I didn't know at the time, maybe he didn't either, but him getting the motorcycle he always wanted would be the end of our 19 year marriage. The end of the life we had both planned together. The end of our future we had talked about for so many years. He would always say, "when the kids graduate, you are going to leave me." Had I thought about it many times? Yes! Would I have really done it? Who knows! It wasn't the happy marriage we portrayed to everyone. The happy couple on social media had the perfect little family. When honestly, it was years of dark secrets, lies, manipulation, tears, and heartache. There were some good moments and some love sprinkled in there, but I don't remember the last time I actually thought to myself, "I love that man."
I remember telling myself I had no choice. This was normal. No marriage is actually happy. The women I would talk to would always complain about their husbands. So to me, my marriage was normal. It was as good as it was going to get. I used to lay in bed and think how nice would it be to actually want to cuddle with my husband. But all of the memories and things done wouldn't leave my mind. Things i've fought so hard to get over and forget. But they would just creep back in every time the world got quiet. I can honestly say, I never cheated on that man. No one deserves that. But I used to pray to be in a marriage where we both were happy.
I will stay for the kids is what I always told myself. They don't deserve a broken home. I will be miserable, if they are happy. So that's what I did. I would hide my emotions as best I could. I would fake the happy smiles in front of everyone, when inside, most of the time, I just wanted to take my kids and run away. I would find myself spending most of my time with my daughter to avoid spending time with him. He didn't make me laugh. He didn't make me feel special. He would go to work and sit on the couch. There were days when I would just go to sleep to not be in the world where I was miserable. I can say that I was content with the life we built, comfortable, but not happy.
The man never wanted to spend a dime. He had no concept of what it took financially to support a family and our lifestyle. He wanted to have the nicest things, but would be the first one to complain about what that costs. It would always be a problem when something came up and we needed money. For years, I would avoid telling him when we needed extra to avoid the argument.
When he wanted the motorcycle, I pushed for him to get it. He didn't want to spend the money of course, but I knew it would make him happy and so in my thoughts, I somehow managed to tell myself that he will be a different man if he has what he wants. I didn't understand the truth to that statement. A different man he became. Or was it the same man that he had been fighting to hide for so many years. The man that caused me to feel the way I always did about him? Was it actually that hard for him to try and be the man I wanted him to be, so he eventually gave back into his demons? The ones that made him make the decisions he made years ago? Or did he never stop and just got better at hiding them? It all really doesn't matter now. Those are battles I don't have to fight anymore. He got the motorcycle and I got the divorce. We both won in the end you could say. Or did we?
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