I always thought of myself as a really strong woman. I hate to ask for help. If I do ask, you should know I have tried everything I possibly know how and just couldn't figure it out. It was the same with me mentally. I did the very best I could to handle everything and not have to be a burden to anyone. For months, I was all the kids had. Besides my family of course, but every day things... it was just me. I even attempted to help my son install a radio in his truck, which resulted in him almost cutting his finger off. Blood everywhere. Me panicking. Trying not to pass out. Actually, I'm not even sure if that radio ever got put in correctly.
Days would pass in a blur. Wake up, sit on the deck, go to sleep. Wake up, go to work, go to sleep. I had friends and family invite me to places and to their homes. The thought of being around people was too much to handle. I would randomly burst into tears. I would be angry. I would be sad. I would be furious for my kids. One day dad was there and then he wasn't. He only knew if they were sick or had some event if I told him. In the beginning, I tried to help him build their relationship but the kids were angry and hurt. My son walked outside one day when I was on the phone with him and he told me if I ever spoke to that man again he would never speak to me again. Life was hard.
I worked really hard on myself for months and was healthier in every way during that time. Once all of the chaos started I slowly began sinking into a depression and mentally checking out from the world. I stopped answering everyone. To text was too much work. I remember calling one of my best friends as I was driving down the road and telling her that I kind of wanted to go home, get in the bath, go under water, and maybe not come back up. I laughed it off, but I was serious. I said this a few times to a couple people and would afterwards laugh and say I'm kidding. I wasn't. This life wasn't normal and I was not okay. I don't know why I chose to speak those words. Was that my way of subconsciously asking for help? I hated asking for help remember?
It was a couple days after court, the one where my purse was in a different car and the people testified against me that I never met, when I mentally broke. I didn't know who I was or what I was doing. I couldn't function, I couldn't be the strong woman I had always tried to be. Mentally I was done. Physically I was done.
My people took care of me. They let me be weak. I started seeing a therapist and I will never forget when I told my therapist the last thing that happened to me, which I haven't shared and not sure if I will, and she was literally speechless. No words. I broke her too.
My brain forgot a lot of things that happened. I think it was a protection mechanism of some sort. I appreciate that. I'm still not quite a whole person yet. I have emotional issues. I don't let people get close. I have days where I just shut the whole world out. I stay in the house and very rarely get out to do anything. Some days I feel amazing and some days all I want to do is cry. But there is a 16 year old girl that doesn't deserve to lose her mother and her father. So I stay strong for her. She is the reason I am still here. She has saved my life multiple times. I am so grateful and blessed that God gave her to me.
I learned a few huge lessons. Don't wait till it's too late to ask for help. It doesn't mean you are weak. Don't be embarrassed to see a therapist. Take the medication. Hiding from the world doesn't make it better. You need your people.
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