A Little History

In the beginning of our marriage we had the normal problems. We got married young and neither with a college degree or a real job. Money was tight, and like you can imagine... I got pregnant. We were both really afraid of how we were going to make it all work. I was extremely sick in the beginning of the pregnancy. When I moved any part of my body, I was nauseous. I had a copper taste in my mouth for months and was only able to make it subside with homemade cinnamon candy that my mom would make me. So a newlywed couple, wife sick all the time, leaves the husband plenty of time to do things he shouldn't. And in my situation, he took full advantage. I wont go into detail, but I will say imagine the worst and it's probably not it. 

I didn't find out anything until after our son was born. The company my then husband worked for had a training session in Philadelphia that lasted three weeks. We had started a landscaping company and I was sending out invoices when I found some emails with pictures in our company email. I remember printing them out and laying them on the coffee table in the living room of our little apartment for him to see when he got home. I remember thinking how embarrassing if a customer runs across his email and its associated to some disgusting pornography. This was the first of many. The last time it happened, I kicked him out of our home and made him go to therapy. 

I couldn't get the emails and images out of my head for years. And this happened on multiple occasions. This is why, I felt the way I did about him. It wasn't just your normal affair type emails and pictures. There was a lot to it. Men and women. I had told him then, in order for me to stay in this marriage for our children, I need to be able to stay at home with them. I can't be at work all day missing out on the two people that I live my life for. So I did and as you can imagine, the financial strain that caused us was huge. But to me, that made my situation "bearable." 

He wasn't able to be the sole provider for the family. He resented me for being at home and placed the blame for our financial issues on me. So I went back to work, took care of our children, and went to college to finish my degree. I remember days where I begged him to feed our son so I could shower, for him to tell me no. During all of this we had his mother, at other times his father, and then finally we had his brother live with us. I had one moment where I found myself in my closet, holding my son, and crying because I was so miserable. I would hear, "you used to be so sweet." "All you do is sit at home and hold your hand out." "If it were me, I would hang this picture a couple inches higher." But yet, this was from the people living under my roof.

But through it all, I stayed. I told no one. I lived years with all of that inside me, faking a smile for everyone and then going to bed with a man I couldn't even stand to touch. Struggling everyday to breathe, to keep my head above water. Never letting anyone know.